The importance of having good positive friends has been written about over and over again in social psychology journals. Furthermore, we know that positive relationships are closely related to happiness and resiliency. What role then, can having such friends contribute to our own psychological wellness?
When our moods shift towards the negative, we seem to have an innate desire to confirm and validate what we are thinking. If I think I am in a bad relationship, I will look for and quickly identify what is going wrong. I will call some friends that I know will confirm I was right when… Misery loves company, and we are proficient at finding that company. Have you ever been upset at a co-worker and talked to other coworkers about them only to fuel the fire and increase your negative emotions towards that person?
This strategy is a toxic one that only feeds the negativity and often results in dire consequences. Resorting to negative support in order to confirm your current state creates a downward spiral that not only can affect your interactions/friendship with that particular person, but can also affect your physical health by increasing stress levels, raise blood pressure, decrease your immune system, etc. I am reminded of a quote from the 1994 movie The Road to Wellville where one patient says to another “with friends like you, who needs enemas!”
How then, can we detoxify ourselves from our negative emotions through our friends? Surround yourself with positive people you trust and can say anything to. Having an intimate relationship with someone you can share your inner most feelings and fears, while not being judged, is an instant emotional boost. These people can help you analyze the situation/mood in a way that can help diffuse some of the negativity. Talking to someone who is neutral and/or positive can often help alleviate and release much of the negative emotions that have been burning up inside.
Dr. Josef Breuer (January 15, 1842 – June 20, 1925), whose works lay the foundation for psychoanalysis, coined the term “Talking Cure” after one of his famous patients (Anna O.) used it to describe how talking about her problems allowed her to alleviate her hysterical symptoms.
Today, we know that the who and how we talk about negative experiences/emotions can be a catalyst for effective emotions management. That is why surrounding yourself with positive people increases your resiliency by giving you the opportunity to share how you feel in a way that will be uplifting and cleansing instead of creating a negative snowball effect.
Here then, is a little exercise you can do to increase your chances of developing a positive social support group. On a piece of paper, write down three to five people that are close to you. People you feel comfortable enough revealing the most personal details about your life without being judged. If there is no one in your life right now that fits that description, write down one to two positive people that you have either neglected or would like to get closer to. A helping professional such as a life coach or therapist is also a viable option if you currently don’t have a special someone you can rely on.
Now, give them a call, invite them for a drink/coffee, and let them know how grateful you are to have them in your life (or how you would like to get closer to them). Find ways to connect with these people often. With today’s technology keeping in touch with people even if they live far away is easy with sites like Facebook, Sykpe, MSN, etc.
The next time you are plagued with negative emotions, instead of seeking out people that will validate and contribute to your negativity, seek out those that will help you get through it by listening non-judgmentally to you and analyzing the situation instead of just playing it over and over again.